Part 1: “How many times do I have to ask?”

How many times do I have to ask?

That’s something said a lot in this house.

Whether it’s me telling the dogs off for choosing 10pm at night for playtime, the kids leaving every light in creation on when nobody is even in the room, or the relentless amount of times I make the same request, only for it to be forgotten, replaced by another task, misheard, confused, or simply not registered at all.

I know in most households this is probably considered normal.

Maybe it is.

BUT…

When the accusations and insincere apologies come thick and fast —

“You didn’t tell me.”

“Why wouldn’t you remind me?”

“Sorry, that’s just how I am.”

— I find myself standing there thinking:

How did we get from me asking you to do something to me somehow being responsible for making sure you remember it?

And yes, before anyone starts… I KNOW. ADHD is real!

I know forgetting isn't necessarily deliberate and that executive dysfunction exists.

I know that something can genuinely disappear from someone's brain five minutes after they've heard it. (I do this too, ALL THE TIME!)

I'm not arguing with any of that.

What I am questioning is what happens to the person on the other side of it?

Apparently, I'm what the world would call neurotypical - In the fancy new non-offensive, snowflake language, because I don't tick enough boxes to be deemed different, I'm apparently that dreaded word:

“NORMAL.”

Air quotes firmly in place.

Here’s the thing, I don't really believe in the word normal.

People are people. Brains are brains. We're all somewhere on some kind of spectrum of weird.

But I am getting increasingly tired of feeling like I have to pretty everything up because I'm talking about the difficult side of living with ADHD. The bit we don’t say because it’s not PC and we should be supportive.

Here's the bit I'm going to say that might piss some people off:

Understanding why someone does something doesn't mean you don't get to be affected by it.

I can understand that you forgot and that you genuinely didn't mean to.

I can understand that your brain works differently to mine and that you need me to be patient.

But sometimes I still want to scream.

And sometimes you make me feel bad for needing to scream.

In my defence… “THAT'S JUST THE WAY THAT I AM TOO!!” Why isn't that okay?

I don't think that makes me a bad partner (at least I hope it doesn’t). I think it makes me tired.

I think I need to talk about the anger for a second.

I want to be fair here.

The best way I know how to do that is to say it how I feel it, and take opinions, questions, and suggestions as they unfold.

Because my partner and I have had conversations.

There have been tears, tantrums, threats to leave.

Thoughts of self-harm, harm in general, and the uncomfortable thought — and word — that is suicide.

I am not linking those thoughts and feelings directly to ADHD. I'm talking about OUR personal experience.

There have been other things sitting alongside the diagnosis and the condition for us — depression, anxiety, being left without help, misdiagnosis, ignorance, and, perhaps most painfully, the feeling of simply not mattering enough.

Those things have consequences.

They sit there, bubbling under the surface, waiting for somewhere to come out, and eventually they do.

The sudden outbursts when it’s all become too much. The noise of unjust actions. The undeniable frustration of being misunderstood and being incapable of explaining yourself in a way that makes someone else understand what is happening inside your head.

And then you're not just bickering about the small stuff anymore.

You're waging all-out war over anything and everything.

Every old argument gets dragged back into the room. Every hurt gets another airing. Every perceived injustice suddenly matters.

And nobody ‘wins.’

You both just hurt a little longer.

And that's perhaps one of the hardest things about being on the other side.

Because you can understand where the anger comes from. You can understand that there is hurt underneath all of it.

You can understand that sometimes the reaction is bigger than the thing that caused it.

But you're still standing there, taking it.

And that matters too.

Some things are easier to understand than they are to live with.

If you’re still here, perhaps you’d like another little wander through Shannon’s words.

Things I Miss Since Having Kids
For the things you never realised you’d miss until the kids came along.

Things I Never Said
For everything that stays in your head until you finally decide to let it out.

Keep reading Shannon's words →

Thank you for reading.
— Shannon x