Part 3: “Is this a shutdown or silent treatment?”

When needing space becomes disconnection.

On a day-to-day basis, I’m pretty good at ‘reading’ him. I can eliminate, with relative ease, the things that are going to aggravate him, slow him down or simply distract him from the task at hand – I’ve learned over the years, tricks and tips to keep myself sane. I just may have forgotten to mention these to him… whether that’s because trying to explain it may have been fruitless or whether it was simply easier to do them for him so he wouldn’t feel the strain. I’m not entirely sure. Is that wrong of me? If I point them out, he may learn, but it may also turn into a 3-day, silent torture chamber because he thinks it’s an attack.

For me, the silence feels like punishment, and it’s worse because when I’m silent, my face has subtitles… so even then, without my words, it can feel like an attack. The look I wear is pain and isolation; he views it as disgust and disappointment. He has been so used to the dissatisfaction of others at his behaviour, it’s become ingrained.

For him, silence is protection from what he will say or do next to upset the apple cart. If he can go unnoticed, then his actions can’t be the cause of the next issue.

But how am I supposed to know the difference? Because in that moment when the shit has hit the fan, emotions are scattered all over the floor, the silence is deafening!

They can look fucking identical!

How much space is too much space?

A quick walk around the block? An hour, 3 days, a week, and who decides what’s enough?

If I say I need space, it's called self-care, and not just by me. The wider community, social media, Dear fucking Deirdre… it’s accepted, it’s healthy, it’s NEEDED!

If he says he needs space, it’s flat-out rejection, it’s punishment, it’s designed to get my attention and manipulate me. I wonder if it’s the same for him and why we don't always give each other the same grace we desperately want for ourselves.

Personally, I think, “I need space” is just a ‘socially acceptable’ way of saying “I don't want to deal with you right now.”

There! I've said it!

I can already hear the collective intake of breath. But people are allowed to take space.

And that’s all well and bloody good. Are the rest of us just supposed to switch our feelings off because you've announced you're regulating?

Do we get a little emotional waiting room where we're expected to sit quietly until you're ready to come back?

There is a point where space stops being space, I know there is, but where the fuck is it?

We need to stop pretending that intent automatically makes the impact acceptable.

Because haven't I spent the last two parts telling you exactly that?

Space has an edge but disconnection doesn't.

The bit I can’t get my head around, and it interferes with my usual one-track thinking, is that I’m not sure I want him to change. I will want him to take the space at times, and I will plead for the silence when it gets too much for me too….

I don’t need you to stay, I need to know you’re coming back!

If you’re still here, perhaps you’d like another little wander through Shannon’s words.

Part 2 - I Know You Didn't Mean To
When intention and impact collide, even an apology can't always heal the hurt.

Part 1 - How Many Times Do I Have to Ask?
The other side of living with ADHD, and the things that don't always get said out loud.

Things I Never Said
For everything that stays in your head until you finally decide to let it out.

Keep reading Shannon's words →

Thank you for reading.

— Shannon x