Who Do You Share Your Naughty Side With?

🔞 18+ | Mature Content
This piece contains adult sexual humour and references to sexual activity and sexual health. It is intended for adult readers.

Have you ever had an experience that you are desperate to share but have no idea who can handle hearing it?

In any group that I become part of, I seem to be the person who has those things shared with her.

I don’t know whether I have that face, you know, the one that says “Talk to me, I need company,” or if everyone just thinks that I am pure filth and I won’t judge?

Either way, I’m fine with it… gotta love a good excuse to get rude!

I’ve decided I’m gonna put together a kind of ABC, if you will, of all the problems that have been brought to my attention in recent times.

Just think how you would react and bear in mind that most of these conversations happened over a coffee/tea and a Digestive Biscuit.

A is for Anal

When someone asks you if you have tried it, do you tell the truth?

I did. I told the truth… I boldly answered:

“Yeah, if it’s done carefully, it’s really quite nice.”

The silence that followed was so long… she just sorta stared at me!

Well, why bloody ask if you don’t wanna know?

B is for Blowjob

Do you spit, swallow or is it simply a no-go?

Me personally… if I want the favour returned, I think it’s polite. Get ya’self a good’un and it doesn’t taste half bad!

I thought that would be the end of it until she told me that her fella’s had a green tint.

No more time for chattin’, darling — pop off down the sexual health clinic, then we’ll talk!

C is for Crabs

I’m not talking seafood here!

Not had the problem myself, but when ya best mate comes down with a case of ’em and she starts burning her bedsheets — you go get ya’self checked!

All clear — PHEW!

D is for Dildos

Yes, I’ve owned a few. Still do, and I love my box of ‘tricks’.

Big, small, buzzing or not, I’m not fussy! Anything that can be used to increase pleasure, then I’m game.

I thought my friends and I were on the same page — that was until I challenged the shop assistant to a duel with a double-ended dong and… I was asked to leave!

E is for Ejaculation

Have you ever cum and can’t find where it went?

Most of you will have seen the film Something About Mary, the famous scene where she uses his jizz as gel…

One night, sitting round my mate’s house and having a heart-to-heart, doing each other’s hair, glass of wine…

The brush gets stuck. I’m afraid I may actually scalp her.

She turns to me and says:

“Oh, we had a quickie earlier. I must’ve missed that bit.”

That’s my bloody brush, love. Go and bleach it this instant — I don’t want ya fella’s crusty man yoghurt in my hair too!

Can you believe she had the audacity to be mad at me?

F is for Full House

A term to describe having more than one STI at a time.

Not something I had heard before until a visit to the job centre, of all places.

There I am, sipping my bottle of water and minding my own business.

This lady sits beside me and just stares at the side of my head.

I politely turn to her and ask if there was something the matter.

Well, fuck me! Did I ask the million-dollar question…

Thirty minutes of her ‘weekend bender’ stories and the MANY, MANY men that she had mounted.

She tells me, in a voice so close to hysteria, I actually winced:

“I have a full house, I am crawling! I don’t even know half of their names!”

Now it may have been my imagination, but the advisor definitely leant back that little bit further than usual!

G is for Genitalia

As I mentioned earlier, people feel the need to ‘share’ with me. This doesn’t just involve talking.

No less than eight of my friends have boldly bared their naughty bits to me.

I’d love to tell you that this was some sort of ‘come on’, a brave chat-up line even.

No, of course not. Don’t be daft. This is me we are talking about.

Apparently, I am the most qualified Doctor they know, and getting their crusty, swollen, infected genitals out to me is basically just second nature.

Starting to consider a new friend base as I type…

I mean, I’m only on G and I am frightened to continue myself!

H is for Hung Like a Hamster

They say it isn’t all about size and I do indeed agree.

At what point, though, is ‘small’ that little bit too small?

I won’t mention any names and I will do my best to spare his dignity.

It was all going well — we had been on a date, a few in fact. I had invited him back to mine. I wanted to know more and, to be fair, he seemed game.

A little kissing, a little touching and things moved on.

Now, he had mentioned he was ‘shy’ about his size. I had said the usual about it not mattering.

This was a whole different ball game though…

(Pardon the pun.)

I literally could just see balls!

I actually looked on the floor to see if it had fallen off!

Well, my face said it all…

He left shortly after and I felt terrible but, it needs to come with a warning — I have a VERY expressive face!

I’m gonna leave you there, as even I’m starting to cringe a little now. The flashbacks are coming thick and fast… bit like the Ejaculation section above!

I’ll be back though with the next instalment; we’ll be starting with I is for Insatiable — what happens when you get caught with your pants down!

Some conversations are definitely better shared over coffee and a Digestive… 😂
Apparently, I’m the person people tell absolutely everything to. If you fancy a little more of the cheeky stuff, you might enjoy these too.

Unmentionables — For another unapologetically cheeky look at the things we’re supposedly not meant to talk about.

Painted Toes. — For when things take a slightly more playful turn.

Keep reading Shannon’s words →

Thank you for reading.
— Shannon x